If the pursuer doesn't hear - or heed
- the words: I'm absolutely not interested in a relationship with you,
then something is wrong.
Allow the individual to maintain his
dignity. Your message should be firm but not patronizing, derisive, or
harsh. Give the impression that you expect a reasonable response.
Men who subscribe to rigid sex roles are
more inclined to justify their use of violence against a partner who is
struggling for equality.
Listen to what's being said rather than what
you want to hear. If someone says he loves you too much, he's probably
right. When a person you just met calls you the following day to say how
much he or she has missed you, think twice before getting further involved.
Other warning signs can include credit problems and/or debt (since uncontrolled
spending can indicate an obsessive nature), or always wanting to be in charge.
Trust your instincts. If your gut says
that a person is bad news, stay away. Don't give someone the benefit of
the doubt even if he or she simply makes you uncomfortable. Listen to what
your subconscious is telling you.
Take a close look at any of your own
tendencies. If you have a pattern of becoming involved in painful
relationships or with obsessive mates, an unconscious desire to experience what
you're familiar with may be dictating your selections. Knowing what your
buttons are will help you to see the other person more clearly.
As soon as you see that someone is being
overly persistent, you need to take the matter seriously. So, whether
you're dealing with a former lover, a colleague, or a stranger, you need to play
it safe and protect yourself,
your family,
your home, and
your workplace.
The moment the situation starts to escalate, if you already
made clear that you have no interest, stop all contact on - or - offline.
Trying to talk sense into someone who has already departed from logical behavior
is like trying to teach someone to row a boat when they've already jumped into
the water.
Limiting your accessibility to unwanted pursuit
should be your top priority. And remember that in the age of
cyber-stalking, where the only way to control information about you is to
control information in the public domain, these precautions have really gotten
critical.
Putting an end to all communication includes not responding - or
reacting in a detectable way - to threats or intimidations, no matter how scared
you are. As a precaution, consult your local police department or a
threat-assessment professional. But remember to treat the threat like you
would a promise. People think that if they don't respond to a threat,
something bad will happen. But in most cases, it's better not to.
Often, threats are just statements to try and convince you of something.
But because they eventually lose their potency, threats beget more threats,
which can ultimately beget violence. Letting the air out of a threat by
not reacting to it can mean the difference between escalation and de-escalation.
At a certain point, the person who doesn't get water from a well will go
someplace else. Not contributing fuel to someone's obsessive conduct may
up the ante for a while. But ultimately, most cases end in transference to
another victim.
