Stalking

Stalking 101

If you don't want to pursue a relationship, say NO quickly. Letting someone down "easy" doesn't soften the blow. It simply draws out the pain as well as the rejection process, and extends the other party's emotional investment. The earlier the message is delivered, the less likely your admirer will be encouraged to pursue you. The anti-stalking Web site, located at www.lovemenot.org, states: "No is a complete sentence. Use it when necessary.

Avoid circumstantial rejections or reasons when explaining that you don't want to get involved. The dictionary definition of "no" doesn't include:

"Not Yet" (which the stalker hears as "I'm changing my mind",

"Give me time" (which tells the stalker to keep the pressure on),

"I'm not ready for a relationship" (which will be interpreted to mean that you really want him but just don't know it yet),

"I have a husband" or "I have a boyfriend" (which indicates that your mate is what stands in the way) or

"Maybe" (which prompts the stalker to prove how much he loves you).

If the pursuer doesn't hear - or heed - the words: I'm absolutely not interested in a relationship with you, then something is wrong.

Allow the individual to maintain his dignity. Your message should be firm but not patronizing, derisive, or harsh. Give the impression that you expect a reasonable response.

Men who subscribe to rigid sex roles are more inclined to justify their use of violence against a partner who is struggling for equality.

Listen to what's being said rather than what you want to hear. If someone says he loves you too much, he's probably right. When a person you just met calls you the following day to say how much he or she has missed you, think twice before getting further involved. Other warning signs can include credit problems and/or debt (since uncontrolled spending can indicate an obsessive nature), or always wanting to be in charge.

Trust your instincts. If your gut says that a person is bad news, stay away. Don't give someone the benefit of the doubt even if he or she simply makes you uncomfortable. Listen to what your subconscious is telling you.

Take a close look at any of your own tendencies. If you have a pattern of becoming involved in painful relationships or with obsessive mates, an unconscious desire to experience what you're familiar with may be dictating your selections. Knowing what your buttons are will help you to see the other person more clearly.

As soon as you see that someone is being overly persistent, you need to take the matter seriously. So, whether you're dealing with a former lover, a colleague, or a stranger, you need to play it safe and protect yourself, your family, your home, and your workplace.

The moment the situation starts to escalate, if you already made clear that you have no interest, stop all contact on - or - offline. Trying to talk sense into someone who has already departed from logical behavior is like trying to teach someone to row a boat when they've already jumped into the water.

Limiting your accessibility to unwanted pursuit should be your top priority. And remember that in the age of cyber-stalking, where the only way to control information about you is to control information in the public domain, these precautions have really gotten critical.

Putting an end to all communication includes not responding - or reacting in a detectable way - to threats or intimidations, no matter how scared you are. As a precaution, consult your local police department or a threat-assessment professional. But remember to treat the threat like you would a promise. People think that if they don't respond to a threat, something bad will happen. But in most cases, it's better not to. Often, threats are just statements to try and convince you of something. But because they eventually lose their potency, threats beget more threats, which can ultimately beget violence. Letting the air out of a threat by not reacting to it can mean the difference between escalation and de-escalation. At a certain point, the person who doesn't get water from a well will go someplace else. Not contributing fuel to someone's obsessive conduct may up the ante for a while. But ultimately, most cases end in transference to another victim.

If You Are Stalked.....

What to Do If You are Being Stalked

Avoid or restrict personal contact and communication. This doesn't mean that you tear up letters or erase messages left on your answering machine. You'll need proof of the harassment should arrest and prosecution become necessary.

Gather evidence the moment someone's attentions begin to make you feel uncomfortable. Keep your records in a safe deposit box or with a trusted family member or friend.

Keep a log of any sightings or contacts. Include date, time, location, circumstances, and the names of any witnesses along with their statements.

Save all written messages, as well as the envelopes they came in. should any unusual packages, boxes, or devices appear on the premises, leave them alone and call the police 911.

Record any threatening or inappropriate phone calls. Note the date and time of the call. And don't erase messages left on your answering machine.

Chronicle activities such as property damage, vandalism, and personal injury with a camera or video recorder if you can do so safely.

Call the Police 911. If the conduct is criminal and the police are already involved, notify them of each and every incident. Obtain copies of any legal paperwork.

Send a "Stay Away Letter" to your stalker stating that you want him/her to leave you alone. Mail it certified so you know they received it and keep a copy to give to the police.

Protect Yourself & Your Family

If potential stalker - either on or offline - doesn't know where you live, make absolutely sure it stays that way.

The following strategies can help you protect yourself:

Mail

Utilize private post office box service for all mail.

Advise all utility and phone companies, as well as creditors of your mailing address changed.

Register your driver's license and cars to an address other than you home.

Call the DMV and request your address not be given out.

List real property in a trust rather than in your own name.

Remove your home address from personal checks, letterhead, and business cards.

Use a non-home mailing address for voter registration and credit card applications.

Ask the three credit bureaus - Experian, Equifax, and Trans Union - to flag your account in order to lessen opportunities for fraudulent access.

Rent an outside office if you're self-employed and your business requires personal visits from patrons or associates.

Phone

Get an unlisted, unpublished phone number, and limit the number of people to whom you give it.

Don't change your number should a stalker gain access to it, instead get a second one and leave a answer machine hooked up to the line the stalker knows. This is a perfect way to document harassing calls.

Never talk on a portable phone - those conversations can be monitored. Keep in mind that cordless phones, cell phones, baby monitors, and hearing aides allow for conversations to be picked up on scanners.

Make sure your address isn't listed in the phone book or in the reverse directory.

Avoid calling 800, 888, 877, and 900 numbers, so that your phone number isn't captured by a service called Automatic Number Identification.

For maximum privacy, make sure the area where the phone lines enter the home is inaccessible.

Never verify your home address or any other personal details over the phone.

When Your Not At Home

Let appropriate people around you know what's going on and enlist their help.

Carry an air horn or a whistle with you. Use it if the stalker approaches.

Vary the routes you take, whether in a car or on foot, as well as your routines and social habits.

Know the whereabouts of family members at all times.

Plan ahead. Know the locations of police stations, fire departments, and busy shopping centers.

Always park in well-lit areas.

Visually check the front and rear passenger compartments before entering the vehicle. Keep the doors locked when not in use.

Equip your car's gas tank with a locking gas cap.

Invest in a cell phone so that you can call for assistance should you need it, without leaving your car.

Don't stop to assist stranded motorist. Phone in a report instead.

Ask a friend or family member to accompany you whenever possible. Never walk or jog alone at night.

Protect Your Kids

Teach your children not to give out information to strangers.

Accompany your children to school or bus stops.

Let the school and childcare center know about any restraining or protective orders.

Have a third party drop off and pick up your children if your stalker has visitation rights.

Keep an eye out for any adults in your child's life (such as teachers, coaches, or neighbors) who show signs of being overly invested in your son or daughter.

Safety at Home

Positively identify callers before opening doors.

Install adequate outdoor lighting, including a porch light at a height that would discourage removal.

Keep doors and windows locked.

Install deadbolt locks in your residence, as well as an alarm system that's hooked into a police station or security organization.

Keep garage doors locked at all times. Use an electric garage-door opener.

Trim the shrubbery around your property.

Keep your home's fuse box locked. Have battery lanterns on hand in your residence.

Install a loud exterior alarm bell that can be manually activated in more than one location.

Maintain all-purpose fire extinguishers in your home and in the garage.

Insist that salesmen or repairmen show proper identification before allowing them into your home.

Never open an unusual package, box, or device found on your property. Call the authorities and let them deal with it.

When away for the evening, place lights and the radio or television on a timer. For extended absences, arrange to have deliveries suspended, and let trusted neighbors know how long you'll be gone.

Post emergency numbers by or on each telephone.

Prepare an evacuation plan and brief household members on the procedures.

Safety at Work

Safety at the Office and in Public

Each battered person must decide if and when she/he will tell others that their partner has battered them and that she/he may be at continued risk. Friend, family and co-workers can help to protect you. Each person should consider carefully which people to invite to help secure their safety.

1. Inform your boss, security supervisor and co-workers of your situation.

2. Have the reception screen your phone calls for you.

3. At the office, make sure all visitors and packages pass through central reception.

4. Have a co-worker or security guard walk you to your vehicle.

5. If you name appears on your parking space remove it.

6. In you use public transportation vary your route.

7. If you usually would go to the store or bank after work or during your lunch hour, vary when you go.

8. Be aware if anyone is following you home.

9. If you have to quit your job because of domestic violence, you can file for unemployment in the State of Montana.